Rimming

Today I'm gonna talk about rimming--the art of eating the starfish. Rimming just seems to be a nicer term so it's not directly in your face like how the title "Eating Ass" would be, because I'm a considerate bitch like that. But it literally means to rim your tongue around someone's ass. I know. It sounds fucking gross. Butt... no pun intended... to men... that's their secret holy grail. Straight men won't admit to it, you'll never hear coming out of their mouths, because they believe it should only be practiced by people in the fairy and wood lands (LGBTQI++), but in reality, they love... love... love... that shit.

I discovered rimming when I was out drinking with my gay cousins and friends. I didn't even know it was actually a thing--as much of a slut I was. Because who would have thunk to eat someone's asshole? Who would have thunk to stick your tongue on someone ass? Who wakes up one day and wonder how an asshole would taste like? The Greeks, apparently—the freakiest civilization of all. They were so freaky that they were the ones who invented bread dildos. Don't even. It's real, bitch. Look it up.

No connection to the article, but honestly... how fun? Bread dildos? I actually once read from a book about Ancient Greek; I can't remember the title anymore, but I read about it in the Cypress College library. They used to make dildos from hard bread, oil them up, and dip them in the discharge of their partners for them to eat afterwards, like how we would with a baguette and some olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Fun, right? I'm zow zorry for ruining your image of a perfect Italianni's date night. I had to.

Zow... Apparently, to the gays--and to straight men--rimming is the equivalent of eating pussy.

The idea was brought up when the conversation veered into their recent "bookings" and one gay cousin said, "Bakla! Gulatin mo si JB, lapsin mo werut niya mababaliw talaga yan sayiz!" (Bakla, catch JB off guard and eat his ass so he'll be obsessed with you!).

And I did... because I would absolutely try and do anything new for sexual exploration because I'm a slut. And I did because they raved about how great of a feeling it was to receive rim jobs and how loved they felt whenever a guy gave them a rim job. Howevahhh... I also discovered that rim jobs are the bare minimum to the gays because eating ass is already expected, and that they don't even reserve it for somebody they're romantically with; they eat ass regardless of whether it's a casual hookup or a one-night stand. It's entirely normal to them that they do it all the fucking time.

"Tingnan mo to si bakla, laging lumalaps ng werut kaya amoy erna na ang bibig" (Look at this bitch. He always eats ass that's why his mouth always smells like shit), that cousin said about my other gay cousin.

And so I did... I delved into it and gave JB a rim job. He was completely caught off guard at first and pretended not to like it, squirming away like a salted worm trying to escape from me, but he eventually warmed up to it after more convincing.

But... bitch... let me tell you... the moans and groans from that adult man while I was in the middle of rimming were guttural and ethereal sounds I'd never heard before. I honestly fucking thought I was in a meditation room doing yoga with a guru with all the chants and mantras coming out of his thick throat. I absolutely felt like... ironically... it was a moment of full alpha female energy. I felt like I was conquering this man and turning him into a melted pot of vulnerability. The sounds he made were completely unhinged.

It was just a nice feeling to... you know... be able to bring a man to heights of pleasure he's never experienced before. It was a complete ego boost for me as a hoe. Surprisingly, despite the image of me burying my face in between his ass cheeks, I felt powerful, you know what I mean? Because you would never see this in porn. You would never, or very rarely, catch a straight man admit to liking being rimmed because one... the position of them being on all fours is a feminine image and does not add to a man's ego, and two, the noises that come out of them during rimming are entirely different from the noises they make during a blowjob--the noises become more gentle, as opposed to groans and grunts. The noises sound more grateful and more thankful--more gentle--you know what I mean? I also took pride in knowing that I was the only girl that ever did that to him, because you'd have to be a super hoe to actually want to stick your tongue on someone's ass.

From then on... I did it all the fucking time whenever I felt generous enough to do so when it was only the two of us, before kids, and I was moronically not afraid of E-coli, salmonella, and Hep A and B. Now, I reserve rim jobs for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, father's day, and valentine's because I'm now deathly afraid to contract any type of disease, since having kids, and I can't be bothered with it because I'm just too fucking exhausted from being old and trying to stay afloat from being broke--shiet.

But do I recommend and suggest you try it?

Absofuckinglutely... as a grand gesture of love for your partner. Yes. Fuck yes. DO ET! But also do it with with gusto, you know? Do it because you wanna pleasure your partner, not because you were coerced.

Was my cousin right about JB being obsessed with me right after I ate his ass? I honestly can't fucking tell a difference because he's been a consistent moron and nonchalant asshole since day 1. Char. No... I kid you not... not immediately... but maybe a week or two after that... that motherfucker showed up with my actual signature tattooed on his arm. I know right? Cree...py. Psycho alert. Char.

But... I will tell you that since giving him a rim job, our intimacy deepened when I thought it could not get any deeper. Because I showed him that I would do anything to make him happy, he further lowered his guard and walls, and we became more unrestrained with how we expressed our love to each other, we became more open, and we became more vulnerable to each other. He became more attentive, more grateful, more appreciative, and more devoted. To me, it is the equivalent of him eating my vajeen with 5th-day period blood.

But of course, please practice good hygiene... never... never... fucking... ever eat a man's ass if he's not fresh out of the shower. Because that's just fucking gross, bitch. Even your own ass doesn't smell of Downy Fabcon after a long fucking day... mmmkay? No ass smells like fresh laundry after a long day.

I also don't recommend doing it with your casual situationship, because I think you should reserve that gesture for someone you really love... or someone who has money to pay your hospital bills, just in case you get E.coli. Don't eat a man's ass if you're not exclusive. Don't eat a man's ass if he hasn't declared his love for you. If you eat a guy's ass and he's not even making your existence known in his socials, not giving you food, or not giving you money? Bitch, what the fuck are you doing?

I also don't suggest you do it when you have a newborn baby, are pregnant, or have a mouth sore, because the risks of you contracting fecal-to-orally transmitted diseases are too fucking high and you might pass it on to your babies. E-coli is ugly, bitch. I have a gay friend who died from kidney failure due to e-coli. "But who in their right fucking mind would eat someone's ass while they're pregnant or when they just had a baby?" Bitch... I would bitch. I would. You don't fucking know how fucking hypersexual and irrational some pregnant women can be. When I was pregnant with my third and near-ready to pop, I once told my husband that he's fucking useless because he couldn't get his dyick hard for the sixth time.

Zow... only do it as two clean, childless adults, or when it's a special day, and right after a shower. Otherwise, it's gonna smell like ball sweat and onions in that bitch. It's not nice. Do it as a treat for you huzzband or lover when they've been extra loving and attentive to you to show your appreciation.

But if it's not up in your alley to eat ass then that's fine! Nobody's forcing you to. But don't be all high and mighty about it and say "So.... fucking... gross... I would never eat a man's ass! That's so beneath me. Only low lives eat ass." Edi ikaw na, kinginaka. Ikaw na prinsensa, yawa ka. But just a reminder that Ali Wong, a powerhouse woman who has a net worth of $10 million, also loves to gives rim jobs.

I'm just saying that the point of it all is to explore sexual avenues with your partner that you've never been before--take you to emotions you've never felt and perceptions you never knew you could have. It doesn't have to be rimming. It could be something else, like edging or milking, which I would talk about in future blog posts, because I have yet to succeed in milking my husband's prostate. I'm just saying bitch... don't limit yourself to what you know is the norm. What's beautiful about having a lover is that you can explore each other's body and soul and reach depths of intimacy only the two of you can and will. Be so fucking bonded that you can understand what the other is saying with having to say a word. Be so fucking linked that you can feel their energy and presence even when they're in the other room. Be so fucking in love with your partner that your chest feels like it's near explosion from feeling so much love for another person. I've yet to reach that level with my husband because every time I look at him all I can think of is a mix of spite, lust, and hatred. Char.

Butt... I'm telling you right fucking now. Life's too fucking short, bitch. Eat your husband's ass. See what that shit does for his ego, and see where that shit takes the both of you.

Zow... what did you learn today from this hoe? That the way to man's heart is not through his stomach, but through his ass. Charez. Seriously... You've hopefully learned to be more explorative and open to the things you can do to and with your lover so you can open the gateways to each other's ejaculateland. I'm saying... don't be afraid to do nasty, vulgar things to and with your lover because they add to the things that make you two stronger together. If you don't wanna do it, bitch, other summer mizztrezz sluts will, I fucking assure you, especially if your huzzband is rich or handsome. If he's ugly, don't bother eating his ass. CHAR! I'm kidding.

We only have one life, bitch. Suck his dyick, take his money, and sit on his face. Bye!