The Magic of 69 and Why It Should Be Your Favorite Lazy-Girl Foreplay

I fucking love a 69.

Not because I was a ho and am still a ho, but because I’m fucking exhausted, beesh.

I’m fucking exhausted, and I gained twenty pounds after three kids.

I know, right? “Goddamn! What did you eat?”

Uhm… my successful professional career? Why do you think I don’t have one?

I’m kidding. I love being a mom. I do not regret not having money of my own and not having freedom.

Not… One… Bit.

Rolling my eyes so far back in my head, I just unlocked my childhood memories

Jokes aside…

I fucking love a 69 because I’m a lazy girl now.

We’re all fucking tired. Right? It’s not just me, bitch, don’t fucking lie. We’re a team!

And if you’ve been married for so fucking long or you’ve been with the same dyick forever, it gets fucking boring sometimes, bitch, it gets fucking monotonous, and it gets fucking exhausting. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my huzzband.

I fucking love my huzzband, but shit can be routine sometimes.

Vanilla has more flavor at this point.

Like… sex? Again? Didn’t we just have it last week? You want it again?

Zow… We gotta switch it up, babes, so we don’t switch huzzbands.

At this point in my life, in my 30s, with 3 kids, I cannot be that same ho anymore every night pretending I’m a porn star with excellent, lubricated knees and unlimited enthusiasm.

I just can’t, bitch. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t get paid enough.

That’s why 69 is the greatest discovery along with coffee and cigarettes.

Zow… when your husband brings up sex and you’re thinking of another excuse to avoid it, don’t just yet, just tell him, “Okay, but I wanna 69.”

Immediately… immediately… he’ll be like, “Oh, shit! She’s on tonight!”

The image will instantly come up in his head, and it’s an instant foreplay for him.

He’s already fired up; you don’t have to exert any more effort during foreplay.

Hearing the double-digit number come out of your mouth alone is foreplay to him.

You won’t have to do shit. I fucking promise yew.

When he hears “69,” that man will transform into Gollum if his “precious” was your pussy.

ASAP.

His brain short circuits.

Suddenly he thinks you’re ovulating and have spent all day craving him, when you’re just on the brink of trying to get it over with so he would shut the fuck up.

You don’t even have to do anything yet, but the fact that you brought it up will excite his dyick.

69 it. It’s efficient. It’s effortless. It’s a marriage saver.

Here are more reasons why 69 is elite:

1. You don’t have to look hot while sucking his dyick.

Trying to look like a top-tier porn star with a whole dyick in your mouth is fucking EXHAUSTING, bitch.

I’m arching my back.

I’m trying to maintain eye contact.

I’m bobbing my head like a spineless duck.

I’m acting like I wanna be nominated for an AVN award. I can’t lie. I do.

All while voluntarily trying to asphyxiate myself with his dyick without losing consciousness.

Can you fucking imagine?

Trying to find joy in voluntarily shoving a dyick on our fucking tonsils like there’s a fucken G-spot in our throats. Shiet. Like, “Yezz, dzaddy, fucking hit my tonsil with your dyick like it’s another clit. I wanna feel your balls on my chin. Yaz!”

I don’t even know why there isn’t an Olympic division for this.

It’s too much!

That’s why I love a 69 because he can’t even see my face. I don’t have to do shit. I don’t have to flutter eyelashes and angle my face to hide my double chin. I don’t have to give him sultry porn star eyes while doing a hand-and-mouth twisting combo while trying to turn my mouth into a fucken dyson vacuum. It’s too much!

With 69, I can just exist.

I could look like a medieval gargoyle down there, and that man would still think I’m the hottest thing alive because my ass is in the air and his survival instincts are gone.

Freedom. Loves it.

2. It’s basically the lazy girl blowjob.

This is my favorite part.

Because during a 69, nobody actually expects an Olympic-level blowjob performance.

Men are so distracted during 69.

They’re actively trying to avoid not losing their shit during a 69 so they don’t have the brainpower to pay attention to what you’re doing to their dyicks.

Their entire nervous system is focused on the fact that your punani is directly in their face like they have asthma and your vagina is their nebulizer.

When I’m doing 69, I don’t do the most. Nothing extra. Just…

• lick the tip a little or give it a suck every now and then

• kiss or lick his inner thighs

• kiss his balls occasionally,

• suck on his balls occassionally,

• do one dramatic moan every thirty seconds

• just keeping his dyick inside my mouth, let it stay there.

Barely a blowjob. It’s like I’m allowing his dyick to park in my mouth. That’s et!

He won’t fucking notice that I’m doing the bare minimum. So long as he’s occupied with your vaginize city, he won’t fucking notice what you’re actually doing with his dyick.

He’s gonna be distracted.

3. Men become incredibly easy to impress during 69.

You don’t realize how simple men become until their face is between your thighs.

That man is fighting for his life down there, and suddenly he thinks you’re generous because his dick happens to be resting in your mouth.

You ask for a 69?

The bar collapses into hell.

He’ll think he’s the luckiest man in the world for marrying a kinky girl who’s actually loyal to the bone.

4. YOU are the one getting the better deal.

69 is actually favorable to women.

Watch any 69 porn-on-the-cob scene carefully.

The woman is the one ascending spiritually, whereas the man is mostly the one doing the most, convulsing under our bodies with glee.

She’s moaning.She’s twitching.She’s seeing God.

Meanwhile the man is just happy to be there with his dyick in your mouth — even with minimal effort.

It’s the maximum reward for minimum effort because they’re just glad that you agreed to it in the first place.

5. It makes men feel emotionally loved.

Let’s not forget that men want to feel loved and desired too.

They wanna feel wanted.

Most of the time they’re the ones initiating and making all the effort just for you to say yes. And because of that, we rarely pursue them, woo them, or ask them for sex.

And when you ask for a 69, he’s gonna think you also wanna do something for him — that you’re not forgetting about him. That you are also in it for his pleasure.

To them, 69 feels “mutual.”

They’re like: “Wow… she wants to pleasure me too.”

Meanwhile, you’re just there exerting the least, manipulating your way out of getting whiplash from giving him a kneeling blowjob where it’s him that’s the only star of the show.

Gene…yuhs.

6. He will cum faster.

I’m sorry but at this age?

I do not need forty-five minutes of jackhammering.

I don’t need to be there for the entire movie. I’ve already seen the fucken movie. It’s my favorite movie, but I already know how it ends.

I’m not saying I always want it to be like this. I also sometimes want to rewatch the entire movie from start to finish.

But this is for emergencies, for when I can’t get there but I want to get there, you know what I mean? For when I want to have sex but am too tired to have sex.

Because at this age? Kids? Work? Homework?

I need efficiency.

I need good customer service.

Fifteen to twenty minutes?

One round? Perfect! Let’s go, then!

Enough time for me to get an orgasm.

Enough time for him to ejaculate.

Not long enough to start thinking about groceries.

7. Better angle for your vagina

During a 69, he can get a better angle to lick your bean, finger your punani, and finger your ass at the same time. It’s a fucking combo because it’s fully exposed for them compared to you lying down with legs up.

They can freely spread your ass for better exposure, exposing your bean even more, so he can eat you out better.

You know what I’m talking about, right? It’s when he gropes on your ass with both hands, spreading them open so your Pikachu wings sort of stretch out also, further exposing your bean? Yah! He gets to do that during a 69, which feels fucking incredible.

Don’t you just love it?

8. You can fully let go.

THIS is the real reason.

I can just be and savor it.

It’s like being eaten in the dark.

I don’t have to worry about my double chin when he looks up to watch me.

I don’t have to worry about my apron belly rising and deflating like he’s watching a whale swimming just right beneath the surface of seawater coming up for air and coming down to swim.

I don’t have to worry about my face when the devil comes out of me when I’m cumming like I’m being exorcised like Bathsheba from The Conjuring.

I don’t have to worry about shit.

I can just sit on his face and let go because he can’t fucken see me.

Fucking love it!

You can just dissolve into the experience like a Victorian woman with tuberculosis.

We all want this right? Just receive optimal pleasure without having to do shit?

It’s my favorite—to just marinate myself in the pleasure of him colonizing my Vaginize City without worrying about what my body looks like to my huzzband or how my face looks like to him.

You can do this with 69 because he can’t see shit! It’s fucking awesome.

And honestly?That level of freedom is priceless.

So please.

The next time your man starts acting horny while you’re mentally preparing your grocery list and wondering if the laundry ever truly ends…

Just whisper:

“Wanna 69?”

And watch that man light up like a fucking Christmas tree, but really, you’re just trying to do the least.

69 it. See where that shit takes your marriage. Vye!