The number one tell of whether a guy has a monster cack

We have all heard about the three top theories of when a man supposedly has a big dyick:

1. “If he has big feet, he has a big dyick.”

2. “If he has big hands, he has a big dyick.”

3. “If he’s tall, he has a big dyick.”

4. “If he’s rich, dyick size doesn’t matter.”

I’m kidding. But… I’m telling you now from a retired summer slut, and based on my hoe anthropology… none of the above is true. Although some instances may be purely coincidental.

But the mother lode… the true tell of whether a guy has a big monster cack lies in his nose.

I’ve conducted a thematic analysis of the boys I’ve let into my queendom and the most obvi denominator of those who have monster cacks—I’m not talking about lengthy dyicks, I’m not talking about 8, 9, 10, 12 inches long, I’m talking about big, thick, gargantuan, fat, meaty cacks, the ones that would give us TMJ, the ones that would make our ears pop just by how wide we have to open our mouths during a blowjob, and the ones that would leave us wondering after sex whether we just woke up from a coma because we’ve been dead all this time and all along before meeting these cock gods—is that they all had big noses.

I’m telling you, as I’m reflecting and trying to recall their faces, each and every one of them had thick, high-bridge noses that were not at all pointed and rounded at the tip instead.

You know what I’m talking about? Not the Adrien Brody nose.

I’m talking about the noses of these following gorgeous men: Shia Lebouf, Barry Keoghan (uhmmm, hello? Have you seen Saltburn?) John Bernthal, Javier Bardem, Tom Hardy, Tom Cruise, Daniel Craig, James McAvoy, Jeremy Allen White, and the list goes on, but you get the gist, right? You kinda see where I’m going and the similarities in their nose shapes.

I’m gonna put their faces side by side here for reference and comparison so you know what I’m talking about.

I’m even gonna make a conclusion based solely on my wisdom as a slut that Tom Hardy has the biggest, thickest dyick among the men above. I just can tell. Tom Hardy and Daniel Craig are head-to-head on this one. I’d love for it to be Henry Cavill, because although he gives off big dyick energy and is the most gorgeous man to have ever existed, I just don’t see him having a real thick gargantuan dyick. He may have an extremely long dyick, but not big enough in terms of girth, you know what I mean? I think he has a substantial dyick in terms of length and girth, but not thicker and girthier than those of the men above, and girth is what we’re here for, ladies, because most regular vaginas cannot comfortably house more than five inches of dyick. We need meat. We need mass. We need weight.

I say my theory makes sense because when you think about it… nose size and shape are entirely determined by ethnicity and genetics. Penis size and shape are entirely determined by ethnicity and genetics. Thus… wouldn’t it be right to claim that a man’s nose is mostly likely a preview of his dyick?

Zow… these are my notes:

A thick nose with a thick, high bridge entails a thick, monster cack. Check Jon Bernthal’s nose.

A pointy, narrow, parrot-like nose, with thin alar, in most instances, entails long dyicks, but not as thick, maybe even pencil dyicks.

Small noses with low bridges… you already know. I don’t even have to spell it out. Bless their hearts and their pure-of-heart wives. That’s what we call unconditional love. They need a medal. Kidding.

I can’t say that it’s a hundred percent, but I’m gonna say it’s 99% accurate. The 1% I will leave to chance.

But I’ve hoed it out well and good that I can conduct a thematic analysis just based on my body count. I mean… she’s up there, bruh. I’m not gonna specify the number, because I can’t even remember the names of some of them, because what? Sluuu-uht! But it’s really enough to conduct research.

I can say this to be 99% accurate because the men I’ve been with, those with the smallest dyicks, bless their hearts and souls, had small noses with a low bridge, despite them being the tallest men I’ve been with. They’re not micro penises; I’ve never actually encountered less than four inches (yes… I measured their dicks, each and every one of them, while they were asleep), but they had the smallest dyicks out of the plethora of dyicks that I’ve let into the gates of my queendom.

The theory surfaced because my hoe friends and I were discussing how fucking taxing and time consuming it is to date and meet guys only to be disappointed that they have small dyicks once it’s time to take the relationship sexual.

One girl friend said,

“Why can’t a man’s penis size be tattooed on a man’s forehead so women can already fucking know on the first date whether he has a small dick? Had I known he had a small dick on the first date, I wouldn’t be in this shitty situation where I already like the guy enough that I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to be in a relationship with a guy who has a small dick because I would just be sexually frustrated! And now I’ve wasted time getting to know a man who’s not going to be in my life. It’s fucking time consuming! Such a fucking waste of time! But it’s so hard to tell who has a small dick and who doesn’t without having sex with them. I just wish there was a sign because I’m fucking tired of falling in love with men who have mid dicks!”

This… ladies… is why I encourage sex on the first date. I’m kidding. But yeah… I honestly encourage sex as early as three dates in. I mean… we’re dating to find our person, right? We’re not dating to play Uno and Scrabble. We’re dating to find the person who’s potentially gonna be our life partner. One dyick for the rest of our lives. Zow… sexual chemistry… bed chem… I believe is crucial between two people and a strong determinant of a relationship’s growth and longevity. So why waste time? Why build emotional infrastructure around a sexual dead end?

This drove me to reflect and think about the BDM (Big-Dyicked Men) in my past that I’ve listed each of them, only those with the absolute thick poles, enumerated their physical features, and eventually identified their common denominator, which was their big noses.

Thus, the hypothesis seems to be supported by my research data: men with big, monster cacks have big, thick noses. Thank you.

Zow… if a big dyick is your non-negotiable, to save you time and energy, spot the men with the type of noses similar to those above, and when you find this rare man, lock it down, bitch, they’re as rare as free healthcare in a third-world country such as mine.

We only have one life, bitch. Tick tock, suck a cock, sit on his face, get his money, make him cry, and love him like his testicles taste like popsicles. Bye.

Love,

Nikkifikfik